Author's Testimony

We all have a story to share. That is what makes each of us unique and a special child of God. My reason for sharing this story, my story, is to spread the message of Our Lord, Jesus Christ and the gifts of Grace and Mercy that we have all received when He accepted the call to die on the cross for us. Through this incredible act of love, we have all been given the gift to receive forgiveness and forgive others. When we forgive, we are blessed beyond anything that our human minds can imagine. After reading my story, I hope that if you haven’t already said “yes” to God, you will do that today. If you have already accepted The Lord in your heart, I hope this testimony reaffirms and encourages you to continue spreading His message, just as He asks us to do in The Bible.

When I was 17 years old, I was raped by four men. Prior to the rape, I was a very energetic, intelligent, busy, faithful young woman. All that changed in a matter of four hours. I had gone with a girlfriend to someone’s home to play cards. We enjoyed an evening with a group of people that I hadn’t met before. As I was getting up and moving towards the door, one of the guys pushed me down. I said, “hey, what are you doing. Stop playing around.” I tried to get up and he pushed me back down. This time he got on top of me and started holding my hands down. I said, “stop it, you’re hurting me” and he told me to shut up. I looked at my girlfriend and the other guys and said, “aren’t you going to do anything to help me?” They just shrugged their shoulders at me. I had no idea what was going on. The guy started trying to kiss me and then ripped open my shirt. I said, “no, stop!” He kept saying, “you know you want it.” I said, “no, I don’t, please stop.” I was absolutely terrified. At this point, he started unzipping my jeans and pulling down my pants. I started screaming. He put his hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. I bit his hand. That made him angry. He called me a bitch and pulled down my underwear. This entire time, my girlfriend and the other guys were standing there watching. They were laughing and cheering him on. I just looked over at them with tears in my eyes and couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t help me. The guy grabbed a blanket and threw it over me and he forced himself in me. Since I was a virgin and because it was forced, it didn’t just hurt emotionally, it hurt physically too. When he finished, he said, “that was good you fuckin’ bitch-we should do this again sometime.” I wanted to throw up. After he got off of me, I made my way to the bathroom and tried to pull myself together. I was trying to figure out how to get home knowing that I had been betrayed by my girlfriend. She came into the bathroom and started talking to me. I realized in our discussion that this nightmare wasn’t over. The other three guys who were there wanted to have their fun too. The plan was that they were taking me to another place. I looked at my girlfriend in desperation. Couldn’t she call for help? What was going on? Why was this happening? I walked out of the bathroom and the other three guys were waiting for me. They took my arms and said that I was going with them. “Where are we going?” I asked. I told them I just wanted to go home. They told me that I had to go with them and after we were done, I could go home. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. Running wasn’t an option. I knew the three of them would have me tackled in no time. I couldn’t call for help because they were with me. If this happened in today’s world, I probably would have had a cell phone and could have made a call for help in the bathroom. I knew I was trapped and it was a horrible feeling. I also felt set up. So many questions were on my mind and unfortunately, there weren’t any answers.

At this point, the three guys took me to another house. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew it wasn’t going to be good. I am not going to go into all of the details here, but it is important to know that I was there for at least four hours and I was raped by all three of them in almost every way that you can imagine. There were a couple times when I knew they knew that what they were doing was wrong. At one point, one of the guys was trying to rape me and he was struggling. I was just staring at him with the tears streaming down my face. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes too. Finally, he just stopped and told the next guy to take his turn. By the time they finished, I was very sore. I could barely walk. I remember making my way out of the house and trying to figure out where I was. I realized that I was near a friend’s home and I called her to come and pick me up at a church that was close by. She did pick me up and I made her promise not to tell my parents or call the cops. In fact, I tried to downplay everything and attempted to convince her and myself that I couldn’t possibly have been raped. These kinds of things don’t happen, especially in our town. She was insistent that we should do something. I told her that I didn’t want to tell my parents because I knew how upset and hurt they would be that this had happened. The guys had also threatened my family and me if I called the cops. I knew that if my parents knew, they would call the cops. I knew that if the cops were called, they’d catch the guys and they would send someone after my family and me. I just decided that the best thing to do was just forget it.

I tried to get it and I was a pretty strong person, but this really tested me. I ended up turning to alcohol for self-medication. It wasn’t long before I was drinking every day. I would drink before school just to “take the edge off”. I would even put alcohol in my locker at times to make sure I could make it through the tough days. Eventually, my aunt found out about my drinking and she told my parents. I ended up in an intervention program. I made it through the program without telling anyone about the rape. I had stopped drinking but still hadn’t dealt with the core issue.

When I went to college, I was still living without the Lord in my heart. At one point, I ended up getting involved with satanic worship. It often begins with something as simple as Tarot Cards, but as the power from the dark side begins to reveal itself, it becomes addicting. For someone like myself, who had been controlled by four men and their actions, the idea of having some control seemed good. In fact, for two years, it seemed all right until the day I walked into our apartment and it felt cold and dark. I didn’t know where my soul was going. I called my dad and told him that I was really scared. He called my cousin and her husband who came and moved me out right away. I never talked with them about it too much but I do remember them telling me that it felt very dark in the apartment. I moved with them into the country and tried to get on with my life.

For the next 15 years, my life moved forward. I was in a place where I didn’t totally have the Lord in my heart but I wasn’t on the other team either. One day, however, I started praying for the Lord to bring people into my life to help me get in better shape. I had gained a lot of weight and I thought that the reason I wasn’t real excited about anything was because I was overweight. I thought that if I could lose weight, it would solve all my problems. God took those prayers and of course, He had a much bigger plan for me with those prayers. One thing I learned later is that several people had been praying for me to return to the Lord. The first person that God revealed was P.J. I asked him to help me get back into the weight room. It wasn’t long before we became the best of friends AND I realized that he was definitely a person of faith. P.J. became an incredibly strong support for me. There were others that followed-- Lisa, Ben, Jamie K, John and Jamie L. just to name a few. You can get to know each of them better in the “Meet the Team” section. God worked through each of these individuals to provide me with strength, support, courage and a desire to know the Lord in a much deeper way.

It wasn’t until November of 2005 after I had forgiven the men who had raped me as well as forgiven myself for all of the things I had done in my life that I felt ready to accept the Lord in my heart. With Ben assisting me in a prayer session, I totally surrendered my will to God. I told Him that I would live my life for Him and I would answer His call for me. Little did I know that by making this surrender, I would eventually be writing a book, completing a mission trip and speaking to many people about the love of God. I have never felt so much peace and satisfaction in my life. By living for the Lord and doing His will each and every day, I am always led exactly where He wants me to be. I no longer have to worry about things that used to cause great stress and anxiety for me. God is with me and He will never let me go. I am His child and He loves me just as He loves you.